For the last several years, Tim and I have visited several local cemeteries. It’s become a nice tradition, giving us a chance to reflect on what people have meant to us.
Most of those whose graves we see are my friends and family. Tim’s parents are in Arizona, and his grandparents are all in Ohio. The last few years have been tough, losing both my parents and two good friends. I try to think of happy times and the good memories I have of everyone.
Last weekend, the grandkids stayed with us and while Carly and I worked on a diamond painting project, I told her how much fun I used to have with my grandma doing paint by number pictures. We would laugh until our stomachs hurt. That’s a great memory.
Tim loves exploring these cemeteries, and one year, we added a few more in search of my mom’s relatives. All of my dad’s relatives are in the same cemetery, except for those who moved away. Even my dad’s friend Keith, who died at the end of April, is buried there and we found his grave too.
My mom didn’t want to be buried in the Alleman cemetery, which is technically called Lincoln Cemetery. My dad had three plots there (his dad bought a bunch), which he eventually gave to my cousin. So they are buried in Ankeny, and my sister and I have plots next to them. Because we all plan to be cremated, one plot works for two people.
My friend Sherri is buried in a very large cemetery in Des Moines. Fortunately, they provide location information, otherwise, we would never have found her. Especially because there was no headstone on our first two visits. I was happy to see that there is one now. I have only good memories of Sherri.
Another friend who died recently was cremated and not buried. I was surprised it said that when I looked her up on Find A Grave, but it was nice to see. That website was so helpful as we searched for other relatives.
Thinking about my friend who was cremated and not buried, I wondered if that was the most common approach. I found an article that says about 20-40% of cremains are buried. In 2020, about 56% of people were cremated, and the numbers are growing. As a family, we discussed wanting a memorial, so burying our cremains was a good option for achieving that.
I know people are more scattered these days and we’ll reach a point when no one will visit these memorials, but I think about our adventures in finding people we never knew but are important to our history. For example, we found my mom’s paternal grandma who was very special to her. She was divorced from my mom’s grandpa and remarried, so we had no idea if we could find her. But we did. Someone even thought to include both her married names on her simple gravestone.
My parents bought their headstone ahead of time, as has my sister. It was nice to have it already in place when the time came. And they were able to personalize it in a way that was meaningful to them. I haven’t done anything. I mentioned it to Tim and he said he thought it was weird to see a stone with his name on it. But if you walk through the cemetery these days, you see a lot of those. People are removing that burden for their loved ones. Because, as Joni Ernst says, “we all are going to die“.
Our plots aren’t far from the area of the cemetery for pets. We’ve decided we want to have Mickey and Brutus buried with us. It would be quite easy to include their little urns with ours. Otherwise, I don’t know what would happen to them.
Have you thought about what you want when you die? Do you have instructions written down for your loved ones to follow? Having been through this, it helps to have some guidance. I know it’s a tough subject, but it’s something we should all be talking about.
And consider being buried in a cemetery, regardless of how you are handled after death. Even if you don’t know what your relatives were like, it’s nice to be able to see they were here.
There is so much history in a graveyard. Just like the inukshuks – we were here. There are 3 generations of my family buried in a local cemetery. I will be the 4th. True, there are fewer funerals than previously; more cremations, which I have chosen. There is even the possibility of green burial cemeteries. The caretaking of our local cemetery is the responsibility of those whose people are buried there. The annual cleanups reminded me of the Mexican Day of the Dead celebrations. I support limiting what can adorn a grave, i.e. shrubs, flowers, plastic flowers w/ wires, etc. It’s hard on equipment & those doing the cleaning. Some people are grave visitors while others are not. It’s enough to be remembered. I’ve read that it takes 3 generations to be forgotten.
Oh, that’s a sad thought that we won’t be remembered after 3 generations. But I can see why it’s true. That’s why I want a grave and headstone, so if anyone is doing genealogy research, they have a place to see that I was here. I’m so thankful that past generations in my family have places I can visit, even if I never knew them. Thanks Mona!!
I set up and paid for my cremation and marker a year ago, and my ashes will be buried with my daughter’s grave at Resthaven in West Des Moines. I wanted to make sure none of my relatives had to make any decisions or have any financial responsibility. My will is also done. I feel really good about it being done. I have a few items left to complete like my obituary which I’m planning to do very soon.
Good job!! We completed our estate documents, including setting up trusts, about 4 years ago. But, we haven’t done the cemetery thing yet. We now have an appointment to discuss it next week. May not do anything yet but we’ll have information to work with.
I don’t know why but when my 30 year marriage ended a few years back I was intent on “putting my affairs in order.” I made a Will, made a record of my financial information, etc. I even wrote my own obituary! One thing I haven’t done is making a decision on what I want done with my ashes. My daughter wants me to bury them so she can “visit” me.
As you might guess, my relatives (all the way back to deaths that occurred in the late 1800s) are all buried in the Webster City, Stratford, Dayton and Stanhope areas. When my mom was alive, I would go with her to plant (yes, plant) flowers on the graves. It was an all day thing!
I like the idea of planting flowers on the graves. I tell Tim every year I want to plant a peony bush by my grandparents’ stone in the Altoona cemetery. They are all throughout that cemetery and look so nice. It seems any more, the cemeteries are so rigid in what they’ll allow and then they take everything down by July 1.
I hope you can figure out where you’d like to be. I like that your daughter wants a place to visit you. Maybe you can find something that works for all of you? Or where your parents are, assuming they’re in WC? I love the WC cemetery. My choice was easy.
Great blog topic. It gets a little more complicated with two beloved spouses.
Steve and I decided:
1. We want to be cremated and
2. Half of our cremains will be with our first spouse and half together in a niche at Resthaven.
There is already a stone where husband Gary’s cremains are buried. My name, Susan Moritz, is already ‘carved in stone’ there.
Then we have a niche together in the same building where Steve’s wife and son’s cremains reside.
May be a little crazy but it works for us.
You do have a complicated situation. I thought ours was because we have different last names!! It’s good you have a plan. Hmm, I wonder what Find a Grave will show for you!!!
We have been having this conversation at our house. Getting a better idea what we want, next step is to get it set up for the kids. Agree, will come a time where no one will visit the cemeteries!!
I’d like to get as much done now as we can even though I know it’s a tough subject. At least we agree on cremation and the use of my plot in Ankeny. Beyond that, more work to do!!