I got the oil changed in my car yesterday. That doesn’t sound like a very big deal, I know. But it took me two weeks to work up the courage.
Not only do I have to drive there, but I have to wait for them to finish my car. Too many opportunities to be alone if a vertigo spell hits. So, I have to work up the confidence to do it.
I was all set two weeks ago. Had it in my planner as a task. But when I got up that morning, I just couldn’t do it. Tim even offered to go with me on his Monday off, but while I wanted him to be there, I also wanted to do this on my own. I need to do things on my own to feel good about myself. And I have to admit, after I did it yesterday, I felt pretty good!! I felt like my old self.
Day to day
Most of my days are very normal – physically. I’ll find myself going about my business (at home) and feeling almost “normal”, not thinking about the vertigo. And then I remember, and I am instantly sad. I try not to think about it, but it pops into my head and reminds me that I’m not “normal” anymore. I can’t just do things without thinking about what might happen. As I said in my first post about vertigo, it never leaves my head.
Most of my days are spent at home, and I honestly don’t mind. I love being home and I have lots of things to keep me busy. Too many some days. And I do venture out when I need to. But I always stay close to home and always drive on the city streets.
Not driving much makes me sad as well. Not only does it make me feel less independent, but I love driving my Murano. I miss being able to go anywhere whenever I want.
My route yesterday was actually shorter in miles but 6 minutes longer than the route I would normally have taken. That’s not a big deal and I kind of like taking a more “scenic” route. It’s just frustrating at times to feel that I have to be so cognizant of what I’m doing. The whole way there I was thinking about it, which is not good, because anxiety can be a trigger so it does me no good to get anxious about it.
I’ve also had a bad experience with home appointments. I had the furnace guy here one day (in fall 2016) and had a spell. Here I am, laying on the bathroom floor and trying to tell him I can’t come out. So, now I get a little anxious whenever I know someone is coming and could be here for a while. I’ve put off having our dryer vent cleaned for that very reason. I start to feel a little worthless when I can’t even take care of these little things.
What’s next
I have a “busy” week coming up. I have Book Buddy (my volunteer reading to 4-year-olds), a massage and a chiropractor visit. Certainly nothing that should be stressful. I purposely schedule things on different days to avoid overloading any one day. But I have to get to these places by myself. And then we leave next Saturday for Florida. Flying doesn’t seem to bother me and for some reason, I don’t get anxious about it. Go figure!!
When we get back, I’ll fill my last prescription for the new medicine I’m taking. Then I have to decide what’s next. All in all, I’ve felt pretty good since starting the medication. But I might have anyway. That’s what makes it so hard to know what to do.
I hate that every little feeling I have makes me wonder about vertigo. Why am I tired today? Why don’t I have any energy? Why does my upper back ache? Why does my head feel “funny”? Why don’t I feel like leaving the house? Would I feel all those things anyway? I try to think back to “before vertigo”, and I do remember having those same feelings. I’ve always been a low energy person. I’ve always been an introvert that prefers being home. And I’m 61 years old so I’m going to have aches and pains, right?
My primary doctor, when I had my physical in December, suggested my next step should be to add the migraine medication to what I’m already taking. I like that she tends to be conservative and I trust her judgment. But it won’t help me on a day to day basis, as I still have to wonder if today’s the day I’ll have a spell.
Gaining confidence
The longer I go without a vertigo spell, the more confidence I gain. It’s been almost 5 weeks since my last one. I’m starting to feel a little more normal, but those first couple of weeks were hard. I just have to gut them out and try not to feel too sorry for myself. I’m sure most people don’t know what I’m feeling inside, as I can put on a smile and tell myself I’m doing great.
I hope you don’t mind that I’m using my blog as therapy!!
I’m so looking forward to spring and spending more time outside. I seem to do better then. And I’ll continue to venture out on my own at times. After all, with all my sewing, I’m going to need more thread!!
